The Way To Their Hearts
by the blanket
Summary: [SasuSaku. NejiTen. NaruHina. ShikaIno.] So the boys messed up. You know, again. Obviously, they need to apologize, and fast. But wait, too many chefs spoil the stew...
1. in which they gather

**Title: **The Way To Their Hearts**  
Pairings: **SasuSaku, ShikaIno, NejiTen, & NaruHina.**  
Warning: **None **  
Summary: **So the boys messed up. You know, again. Obviously, they need to apologize, and _fast_. But wait, too many chefs spoil the stew. No, really.

**Author's Notes: **Too silly to pass up. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** Naruto's not mine, and I'm not making any profit. Phooey.

* * *

"What are we hoping to accomplish again?" 

"Humph. So troublesome."

"Are there supposed to be green flecks on the potatoes? Teme! Answer me."

Uchiha Sasuke supressed a long-suffering sigh. Honestly, if he'd only known that this little project would be this annoying, he never would have suggested it in the first place. He brushed stubborn bangs away from his eyes and surveyed the scene in front of him.

Uzumaki Naruto was squinting at the red ripe tomatoes on the kitchen counter. Every now and then, he would stop, rub his cheek and shake his head, as if he were trying to clear up the memory of a phantom pain. As though he'd felt Sasuke's gaze on him, the blond looked up to meet his eyes.

"Hey bastard, why are we putting tomatoes in it? The recipe doesn't say anything about those."

The Hokage-hopeful tried—unsuccessfully—to suppress a girlish yelp when a knife as sharp as one of Tenten's numerous kunai, came dangerously close to nicking his dominant hand.

_No one_ messed with his tomatoes.

"Teme…"

Nara Shikamaru ignored the argument—the one that was rapidly degenerating into an all-out _brawl _as most things usually did with those two—and went back to reading one of the many the recipe cards Sasuke had unearthed in the Uchiha Manor. _Ino hates daikon radish, so this one's no good. A dessert maybe? Pudding doesn't sound so terrible. And it's a lot less troublesome than this stew…_

"Oi, Sasuke!"

The Uchiha looked up from where he was twisting Naruto's hand behind his back, and quirked a brow at him.

"What is it?"

"I'm taking this recipe card."

Naruto took advantage of the distraction to slip out from underneath his best friend. Sasuke, now facedown underneath the heavily crowing blond, was in no position to disagree, but Shikamaru pretended he heard a reply in the affirmative anyway.

Neji pinched the bridge of his nose, and attempted to fry everyone via eyeball. Everything about his stance—hands pressed to his temples, foot tapping against the tiled floor, to say nothing of his barely concealed mutters—screamed _you bumpkins do not amuse _me.

It was about time _someone_ took control.

"Ahem."

When no one looked up, Neji began to get very, very angry.

With a sigh indicating the extent of his much-abused tolerance, Neji calmly separated the two jounin rabbling in the Uchiha's kitchen, deftly swiped the recipe cards from the indifferent Shikamaru, and waited patiently for them all to realize what he had done.

After Sasuke and Naruto had taken a break from glaring at each other, and Shikamaru finally raised his head up from the kitchen counter, he began his speech.

"Uzumaki. Uchiha. Nara. There are four very good reasons we're all gathered here today." He pointed at the sulking blond fiddling with a few kitchen knives in one corner of the kitchen.

"You, Uzumaki, are guilty of violation of Article Three-One of the Husband's Guide to Harmony, Edition Four, Volume Two: Failure to indulge your pregnant wife's craving for strange and exotic foodstuffs."

Naruto winced as he recalled what had happened only a few hours ago…

* * *

"_Hinata-chan! I'm back!"_

_The Hyuuga heiress looked up from her comfortable position on their plush couch where she sat, a novel in hand, eating a bowl of ramen. His hands were already heading for her stomach, and Naruto noticed she was already trying—and failing spectacularly—to hold back a smile. It was a routine for them: every time he came home, he would give her a customary kiss on the cheek and feel the growing bump of her stomach. It never ceased to amaze him that her petite frame would soon be giving him a son, an heir to the Uzumaki legacy. _

_While he engaged in his routine, Hinata took the time to really look at her husband. The smile in his eyes did not do a very good job of hiding his fatigue. Apparently this mission had been a hard one…she almost did not want to…_

_Naruto noticed her slight frown and was instantly on alert._

"_Hinata-chan? What is it? Is something wrong? Is it the baby? Tell me."_

"_Naruto-kun…I…I…"_

"_What is it, Hinata-chan? Whatever it is, we can work through it together…"_

"_That is…I…"_

_She closed her eyes and quickly completed her stuttered sentence._

"_Iwantunagiandpocky…and some onigiri. Oh, and some ootori. With chocolate sauce."_

_After taking a moment to decode her swiftly uttered request, Naruto almost fainted._

"_Is that all? Sure, I can get you some, but can it wait 'til I've gotten a bite to eat first?"_

_Silence._

"_Hinata-chan?"_

_BAM._

* * *

Sasuke snickered. 

"Hn. Good thing Sakura was able to heal that for you, isn't it dobe? Otherwise you'd still be limping around like an imbecile."

Instead of retaliating, as he'd expected the blond to do, Naruto was smiling. No, smirking. Sasuke realized his mistake all too late, as Neji trained his all-seeing eyes on him.

"And you, Uchiha. I wouldn't be laughing just yet. You've violated Article Six-Two: You asked Forbidden Question Number One."

Sasuke shuddered and looked apprehensively at the crack in his wall…he hadn't known Sakura had such good aim when it came to _that_...

* * *

_He walked through the door of their apartment with grocery bags in hand. Hopefully he'd gotten everything they needed for the week. Suddenly, his ears picked up the sound of soft hiccups._

"_Sakura?"_

_He dropped the bags on the floor, ignoring the apples that fell from the top and rushed into the living room, mentally preparing himself for the worst possible scenario. What he found…was a little short of unexpected. _

_Instead of the bloody massacre he'd painted in his mind, he found his girlfriend crouched down in front of the TV, clutching a handkerchief like it was her lifeline. Around her, various volumes shoujo manga were scattered, each one doggy-eared on various pages. Chocolate wrappers lay forgotten around her feet. Sasuke, tallied up the signs, huffed self-importantly and gathered her shaking form into his arms. He crooned softly into her hair, and stroked her back in slow, rhythmic circles._

"_Sakura…do you want me to find the heating pad?"_

_Confused green eyes looked back at him._

"_Why would I need that, Sasuke-kun?"_

_He shook his head, that same small, indulgent smile still on his face._

"_Some aspirin? Don't you always get cramps when you have your period?"_

_She stiffened in his lap._

"_Sakura?"_

_Her head still bowed, she extricated herself from his grasp."_

"_What's wrong? Do you have cramps?"_

_Without warning, a pink vase came hurtling at his head. He just barely managed to avoid it._

"_Why is it," she asked, her voice low "that whenever I eat chocolate, and read shoujo, you assume…" Her eyes caught his, and he was amazed at the battle aura that emanated from her now. _

"…_that I have my PERIOD?"_

_The paperweight she'd grabbed from his desk made a satisfying thunk as it landed against the wall._

* * *

The normally unflappable jounin suppressed a shudder. 

He should have sent Sakura after his murdering, bastard brother. She would have had him wetting his pants in terror.

As he retreated into his thoughts, Neji took the opportunity to round on the unconcerned Shikamaru. The same unconcerned Shikamaru who was, even now, padding off into Sasuke's living room to catch a nap. Neji almost went after him, but Naruto did it first. Konoha's number one, most hyperactive ninja had grabbed Shikamaru around the neck and pulled him back into the kitchen. Naturally, the ANBU strategist thought it would be too troublesome to struggle so he went willingly. Fuming, the blond settled him back into his prior position and started a tirade.

"Oi! Shikamaru! If I were you, I'd be the one leading this little project. After what you said to Ino. That's Article Five-Two…"

* * *

"_Shikamaruuuuu! Come here for a second! I need your opinion on something."_

_Groaning, the jounin picked himself up from where he had been lounging on his girlfriend's exceedingly comfortable, plush sofa and walked over to the bedroom. Inside, Yamanaka Ino's considerable collection of designer clothing and vintage hats were strewn around in a haphazard mess. Raising a brow, he sat himself on the edge of her bed. He was surrounded by lace and silk, cotton and wool…it was quite disconcerting to be in the same room with so much femininity._

_Suddenly, an aquamarine bra flew out of the open closet and landed on his head, swiftly followed by several silk camisoles. A few moments later, as he was attempting to disentangle himself from the delicate trap, a blonde head poked itself out of the closet. _

"_Shikamaru! Stop playing dress-up! There's no time for that!"_

_The lazy genius grunted as he finally disentangled the last bra strap from his hair. Dress-up indeed…_

_His girlfriend stood in front of him, holding two kimono.  
_

"_Which one of these should I wear to the festival next weekend? I was thinking about the purple kimono with the green obi but this lilac one looks so much more…"_

_Gradually, Shikamaru began to nod off with both eyes open, a skill he'd recently acquired. He'd read somewhere that it caused dryness and irritation, but that was his last concern. As long as it kept him out of trouble…_

"…_fat? Shikamaru? Listen to me?"_

_Ino, unfortunately, was not aware of this fact. _

_Her boyfriend snorted, and blinked blearily._

"_I definitely agree." _

_Ino's eyes darkened, and a sinister smile played on her lips._

_He would have been out of her apartment sooner, but the wire hangers she'd thrown at him had blocked his escape._

* * *

Shikamaru merely shrugged at the memory. Luckily, only his jounin vest had been damaged by Ino's tirade. Instead, he turned calm, calculating eyes on the Hyuuga who'd made them relive their mistakes. 

"And you, Hyuuga?"

Naruto snickered.

"Yeah, Neji. So Sasuke said Sakura had her period when she didn't, _the idiot_—"

He dodged a half-hearted swipe from the Uchiha here.

"—Shikamaru called Ino fat—"

A muttered curse.

"—And I wouldn't get Hinata her food! That still doesn't compare to what _you _did."

The Uchiha chuckled darkly and sneered at him.

"Or rather, what you _didn't_ do. And really, I'm supposed to aim for defeating you? A man who broke Rule Number One?"

He snorted.

"Che."

* * *

_A thoroughly exhausted Neji came home to a quiet house._

_How odd. Tenten should have been home already…_

_He shrugged it off. She was probably getting in a few more hours of training._

_As he slid his muddy shoes off, he noticed the red specks on the floor. For a split second, he thought it was blood, but upon closer examination, they were merely…_

_Rose petals? _

_He'd have to tell the servants to be more careful with their flowers._

_He walked past the dining room table, idly noting the elaborate flower arrangement standing proudly in the center. He paused. Tenten had broken out their more delicate china. He grimaced as traces of mud tainted the pristine whiteness of the cloth, and then frowned. _

_Flowers, china, tablecloth…_

_What was the occasion?_

"_Neji…"_

_The Hyuuga stopped, swallowed as his wife appeared in the doorway of the bedroom they shared. _

_No. _

_No, this could not be Tenten. _

_His Tenten did not wear lavender negligees and heels that had straps up to her thigh. _

_His Tenten did not purr his name like a cat in heat. At least…not while she was standing upright. _

_His Tenten did not, under any circumstances, wear her hair down._

_So obviously, Neji deduced, this must have been an imposter._

"_Byakuugan!"_

_Instantly, veins pulsed to life near his eyes as he took his defensive stance._

"_Who are you? Where is my wife?" His voice practically oozed threats of dismemberment._

_The woman in front of him was shaking. Then, she did something very surprising._

_SLAP!_

"_Damn you, Hyuuga Neji! You come home late, you're muddy and you probably don't even remember…"_

_He knew that voice. Maybe this **was **Tenten…_

"_Tenten…remember what?"_

_SLAM!_

_She had retreated into their bedroom but she heard her muffled words as though she were still in the same room._

"_The anniversary of your proposal, you idiot!"_

_Neji, shaken, and not just a bit contrite, left._

* * *

Now, the pale-eyed genius felt a pang of remorse. 

How could he have forgotten?

Silence reigned for a few moments in the darkened kitchen. Then, almost as a unit, three men stood. Shikamaru was roused into consciousness a few moments later.

They would find their way back into the good graces of their significant others.

And they would do it, Sasuke thought firmly as he tied the pink, lacy apron to his front, the way **real **men did it.

_Through their stomachs.  
_

* * *

Tell me you don't love the idea of Sasuke in a pink frilly apron. 

Hope you enjoyed! POS is in the works, fear not! Or then again...maybe you should...

Please review. :)


	2. in which there is much chocolate

**Title: **The Way To Their Hearts**  
Pairings: **SasuSaku, ShikaIno, NejiTen, & NaruHina.**  
Warning: **Crackalicious. And OOC. Because they're silly. Or maybe I'm silly. OR BOTH.

Also, I have no reverence for the dignities of our dear Neji and Sasuke. Maybe in other stories, but not in this one.  
**  
Summary: **So the boys messed up. You know, again. Obviously, they need to apologize, and _fast_. But wait, too many chefs spoil the stew. No, really.

**Author's Notes: **I apologize profusely for the lateness of this chapter, and hope that I still have some readers after my long (read: in_runwithskizzers'_ words "evil") hiatus. And I wish that they would add "crack" or at least, "random" to the list of genres.

**Disclaimer:** Still not mine.

* * *

"And _then_, the idiot had the nerve to ask me whether he could eat his stupid ramen first!" 

Tenten smirked as she scooped out another serving of chocolate ice cream for her pregnant friend. Hinata's hormones were definitely on the fritz. There was no way she'd be talking about her beloved—if slightly dim-witted—husband like that if she were truly in her right mind (which she wasn't, because she was pregnant, and in Tenten's very honest, unbiased opinion, pregnant women were absolutely _insane_, right up until the actual birth).

"We know, Hinata-chan. Naruto's a moron."

"Don't you call him a moron!" yelled Hinata, who was going through mood swings faster than the four of them went through chocolate during That Time of the Month.

Ino nudged Sakura in the direction of her pantry to get some more marshmallows. The pink-haired medic-nin growled a little before slowly moving off her kitchen bar stool – she wanted smores too, after all. The blonde sighed as she turned back to her two friends, slim fingers poking her (very flat) stomach.

"Ne, maybe Shika-kun is right. Maybe I have put on a little weight." She appeared distraught at the very thought, and her lower lip quivered a little. Tenten smacked her arm.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're as pretty as you've always been."

"But that's just it! Maybe Shikamaru thinks I'm just _pretty_ now! Maybe I've been downgraded from beautiful! Maybe –"

"—you'll shut up so the rest of us can mope and enjoy these terrible, horrible, no-good, sinfully delicious desserts in peace? Not likely."

Ino glared balefully at her Sakura, who, in turn, simply went on assembling her usual comfort food—she had long ago learned to ignore her best friend's frequent fits of pique.

Hinata wiped away the chocolate stains on the table top, hand resting on her slightly rounded belly.

"They really are idiots, aren't they?"

"And yet, we stay with them."

"…yeah."

Silence. Then,

"Guys, do you really think I've gotten fat?"

* * *

Neji paused in the middle of stirring the broth for stew. Sasuke regarded him, one eyebrow arched in question. 

"Why did you stop?"

"…I suddenly felt a large amount of killing intent nearby."

"Well, ignore it, and watch the broth."

"Don't tell me what to do, _Uchiha_."

"Well then, _Hyuuga_, pay attention to what you're doing."

_Glare._

_Glare._

Naruto, who was busy cutting vegetables at Sasuke's kitchen table, eyed this exchange with bored interest before calling for assistance.

"Shikamaruuuu! Their monster egos are invading my personal bubble again! Make them stop!"

The strategist lifted indifferent brown eyes from the recipe book he was reading and rolled his eyes.

"These two…so troublesome. Oi! Uchiha! Hyuuga! Let's pay attention to the task at hand?"

After a few more moments of silent death, Sasuke broke Neji's gaze and shrugged.

"Whatever. That broth is supposed to be stirred continuously until it boils." He looked down at his mother's recipe cards.

"_Slow boil the stock for an additional three hours at low heat."_

_Three hours? There's not enough time for that._ Sasuke almost sighed in frustration, before relaxing.

His mother had never said that he couldn't help it along a bit…

* * *

"We're out of food." 

"…what."

"You heard me. We've cleaned this place out." Sakura turned to Ino.

"Your turn to food run."

Ino pouted.

"I'm still hungry. And I don't feel like going to the store to pick anything right now."

"So what are we going to do?"

The four girls were lying around in Sakura's bedroom, praising the fact that it was (except for a few minor skirmishes near the country borders) generally, a peaceful time and that there had been no missions assigned to any of them. Despite their bad moods, it was nice to have a few moments of peace between all the bloodshed (well, aside from those incidents involving their significant others). Tenten was fiddling with one of Sakura's many trinkets, and Hinata was fast asleep under the covers. Ino was sharing the futon with the owner of the house.

"So where do you think they are right now?"

Ino snorted, and Sakura resisted the urge to make a comment about her namesake.

"Who cares about them? Let's do something fun."

Tenten looked up at Ino.

"Like what? Pick up girls at the club?"

"No, smart-ass. I don't know. Something fun to take our mind off the idiots we call our significant others." She thought for a moment.

"I know! Let's visit Chouji!"

"…no offense, Ino, but why would we do that?"

The blonde looked at them incredulously.

"Duh! In case you guys weren't aware, everybody in the Akimichi clan is taught how to cook at a very early age, and they're _all_ great at what they do." When she saw that her friends still weren't getting it—really, _she_ was the ditzy one?—she sighed.

"Chouji will cook for us. Or at least, he'll help us make something so fabulous that we'll forget we were ever upset."

Sakura and Tenten looked doubtful. From inside her cocoon of blankets, Hinata snorted.

"Do you have any better ideas?"

* * *

Shikamaru rifled through the vegetables in Sasuke's fridge. 

"Hyuuga, we need more potatoes."

Neji looked at him imperiously and asked,

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

However, Shikamaru was unfazed. Ten plus years of dealing with Ino had made him skilled in the art of appeasing divas.

"Well, there's really not much for you to do here, right now. All the difficult parts come later, and that's when you can do your thing. So, I was thinking maybe you could get some more ingredients."

Neji nodded, pleased with Shikamaru's acknowledgement of his _(obviously) _superior culinary skills.

"I will see what I can find."

Naruto yelped as he nicked his fingers _yet again_. Sasuke snickered unkindly.

"Hn. I would think that any competent shinobi would have no problem handling sharp objects."

"Shut up, bastard!"

The Uchiha gave him a (falsely) sympathetic look and turned back to his own dilemma.

_To raise the flame, or not to raise the flame?_

He shrugged. What harm could it do?

"_Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu!"_

…

A few moments later, there was much hacking and coughing up of vital organs. And then…

"Sasuke…"

"…Hn?"

"…What happened to your eyebrows?"

Neji, who had come back just in time to see Sasuke's…enthusiastic display of culinary technique, proceeded to bang his head against the wall

(in the most dignified manner possible, of course, because he was a Hyuuga, and they had _rules_ for this sort of thing).

Shikamaru trudged over to the phone and dialed the number for Salvation.

* * *

"Chouji? Do you want me to get the phone?" 

The muscular—"_not fat!"_—man looked over at his former teammate, who was mixing up the batter for chocolate chip cookies, from where he was pulling cinnamon rolls out of the oven. At his table, Tenten and Sakura were eating their way into a diabetic coma, and Hinata was methodically licking all of the chocolate frosting off of the éclairs. He smiled. Even with the various foodstuffs smeared across their faces, they made a very pretty (albeit sticky) picture .

"That's all right, Ino. I've got it."

He wiped his dusty hands on his apron—a practical black one that Ino had bought for him last year—and took the handset from its hook.

"Hello? Oh, hi!"

He snuck a sideways glance at Ino, who was licking the spatula, and continued the conversation in a hushed whisper.

"Wow…you guys are pretty hopeless, aren't you? I'll be over in a few minutes."

He hung up and was met with the inquisitive (and vaguely suspicious) faces of four kunoichi.

"Who was that?"

* * *

GEE, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD HAVE BEEN. D: 

Yeah, I'm late. Once again, I apologize!

...And shamelessly pimp out my request-drabble collection, _a pocket full of sixpence._


End file.
